And it was today when I went to turn in my final to my English teacher Mr. Yarbrough. Fantastic teacher, I only had him for 5 weeks but he's one of the 4 best teachers I've had in college. I think that partly speaks on his teaching abilities, but also on other teachers, part of the problem with college is the teachers don't do much teaching, just lecture after lecture and note taking. It's supposed to be an enhanced learning experience and thought provoking where the majority of the classes you take are the exact opposite.
But thats beside the point as I'm rambling again, I get back my 1st paper I wrote and see I made a 60 on it, that's the bad part, the good part is he says I have the potential to be a great writer and have a sort of poetic style in writing. The problem was it's sloppy and undisciplined, in other words it looks like something you started working on 2 hours before class, which I did. And that pretty much sums up my whole life, especially academically since around 5th grade. I have no disciplined, no real drive, especially when it comes to things I'm not interested. It's almost amazing that I have a GPA above 2 with the lack of work I do. Normally when a paper is due, I "start" on it 3 hours before, horse around the computer for about an hour to hour an d a half then whip something together in 20 minutes to an hour then turn it in. Sometimes it works, other times teachers can see through the bullshit.
Part of the problem is this stupid shit known as MLA format, why is it that every paper must be the same structure P.O.S? He says he used to be the same way but you have to figure out how to fix your mistakes and write like everyone else, no matter how annoying it is. So obviously not being very informed about the rules and writing a paper seemingly on the fly as I scramble for sources it will obviously look sloppy.
I just wonder what is wrong with me and why am I so unmotivated to try new things or to work my ass off? Obviously long term it will lead to good things but short term I'm just getting a grade and on the whole uninterested. I wonder if I need to try and get some adderall, some of my friends take it, it almost sounds like steroids for school, but it works for them. It'd probably just make me focus more intently on an article I'm reading or movie I'm watching.
What makes a person lazy and what makes him not want to try and go out and fix there laziness? Why do I lack discipline when it comes to school? And why am I so afraid to go out and try and meet new people? Why am I so damn scared?
How is it that a person can point out practically every flaw about himself and then not try and change them? Does my laziness help shape my personality? Does it make me funny or give me some sort of comedic timing when making a joke a witty comment?
I've hardly cracked a book since 10th grade, my grades haven't been stellar since about 7th grade, as my dad's told me a hundred times I just do the bare minimum, and I don't exactly understand why I'm perfectly content with it. Part of the reason is people are afraid to stand out or even ask a question in class, I'm part of that crowd mostly but I don't like being associated with that crowd for the most part. I don't want to stand out because I don't want people to have a real opportunity to judge me and be thought of as a douchebag, I'm so self-conscious about everything, almost always afraid of looking like a moron. Just last week I was going to a party and without even thinking I get in a car with a pair of stained jeans and a raggedy Dallas Mavericks t-shirt. This was mainly with a bunch of people I'd never met and even before I had opened the door I already felt like a moron. Why can't I let things go, I always re-think conversations thinking of how much of an idiot I must have sounded like just because of one dumb thing I said or did and making myself feel like a complete tool.
Even this thing I'm writing right now is undisciplined, when I go and re-read it it'll just be sloppy and take on all sorts of directions. I just hope something in me changes when I get to Stillwater, there's a 99% chance it won't happen, even if I have the opportunity to change it, I'm just not that type of guy, for christ sake I've had the same comforter since I was in kindergarten, I hate changing things, I hate trying new things and meeting new people. But look where that's got me, I'm unhappy and for the most part a loser, despite being a complete badass. As cocky as it sounds if you got to know me I'm sure you'd feel that way.
But it's time to get disciplined, wake up on time the first time my alarm goes off and not the 5th, finally open a damn book instead of paying 80 bucks a book to see them collect dust. It's a new year in Stillwater, GO COWBOYS!
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